This series is based on our experience of running a school for over fifteen years and working with youths in the community for over two decades. Please visit www.waliulasr.ca/parents for earlier parts.
Treating children kindly and fairly
When we got an opportunity to work with youths in the community who have left the religion or openly commit greater sins, we were surprised that many of them seemed to be rebelling against their parents, family, and the community rather than the religion. Some of the common scenarios we observed are:
1. Some parents treat their daughters unfairly with the sons always getting the better piece of chicken, being allowed to break rules, and getting preferential treatment in other ways. When the daughter goes to the university and is told by professors and peers that Islam is a patriarchal religion and should not be followed, the message resonates strongly, as she equates the unjust treatment by her family to the religion and rebels against it. Daughters are one of the greatest blessings of Allah and there is no concept in Islam about the sons being allowed to break the laws of religion while the daughters must follow them. It is critical that we love, respect, and cherish our daughters equally as our sons. We should also ensure that we treat all children fairly and not favor one over the other due to their age, looks, gender or achievements.
2. The very unfortunate infatuation with fairer skin in our community has a devastating impact on girls who are constantly on the receiving end of recommendations about creams and other ways to become fairer. In a home and community obsessed with skin color, a girl develops low self-esteem, low self-confidence and often considers herself to be ugly. She turns to social media, takes off her Hijab, shows skin in pictures and strives to fulfill the need to be praised. Scholars advise parents, especially the fathers, to compliment their daughters and ensure that their need to be loved and praised is addressed in a halal manner.
3. Treating children with kindness and fairness does not mean surrendering to their whims and desires or allowing them to be deceptive, manipulative, disrespectful or inconsiderate The parental attitude of ‘its always someone else’s fault’, ‘everyone is against my child’ or ‘my child would never do it’ is very harmful for children. It is critical to be friendly and loving to children, but parents have the obligation to guide them towards Allah and prevent them from causing harm to themselves and others.
4. As a school, we receive desperate calls from parents of children in grades 7-12 who want to transfer their child urgently to our school as they discover something shocking about the child. The frequency of these calls has increased greatly; we have received over 100 such calls just in the past few months. As a school, we only accept students in younger grades and have limited capacity even in our elementary classes. We do not have the expertise and resources to ‘bring a child back to religion’. Everything that the Quran and Ahlal-bayt (a) has prescribed is for our own benefit and when we go against the divine instructions due to our fascination with the majority or the media, there are consequences for us and our families in this world and the hereafter.
5. Children will do as we do and not as we say. If parents pray on time, recite Quran, do not watch Haram content, abstain from backbiting and toxic conversations, have a solution-oriented approach, treat each other with love, respect and consideration and have a drive to excel, then children are also likely to follow the same path InshaAllah.
According to the teachings of the Ahlal-Bayt (a), when we die, and our books of deeds is closed, the actions of our righteous children continue to benefit us. We should consider our decisions about children very carefully; whether it is about the school we choose for them, the manner in which we treat them or the device we buy for them through which they commit Haram. Planting an apple seed and praying to have a mango tree or sending our children to learn basketball for 14 years and expecting them to become great swimmers does not work.
May Allah give us the strength, knowledge, wisdom and perseverance to raise children who excel spiritually, academically and professionally and become helpers of the Wali ul Asr (atfs) InshaAllah.
